If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
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Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
it’s the silliest best thing
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
This hospital has everything
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38