My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
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My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Pizza is an emotion right?
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.