ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
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Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.