I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
You Might Also Like
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
fair
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
going to the ER y’all need anything
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family