Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
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I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.