“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
You Might Also Like
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
My time has come.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet