we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
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Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I feel it
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.