Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
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[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii