*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
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I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Incredible customer service.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.