Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
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Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring