A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Seals are just dog mermaids.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.