Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
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TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.