i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
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Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
*updates tinder bio*
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.