If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
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1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Whoa… oh I see lol
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
the dark web is just a goth google.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.