How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
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[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.