A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
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Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I bet birds love this building.
Taliband
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.