Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
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If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
thank god
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it