I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
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i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.