Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
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Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.