You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
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Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend