I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
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“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.