If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
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Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Namaste
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
step 6: release the wall snake
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I’m about to risk it all
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Investing in beetcoin
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.