All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
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“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Thrilling chase underway
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever