When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
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I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*