The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
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Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs: