Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I donât know if Iâm still tired or already tired.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like âsee?…â
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow heâs pretty bad.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didnât want me to buy him cheesy bread
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
đYears
âđ 2022
âđ Good stuff
ââ ď¸ This folder is empty
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
My favorite part of Beethovenâs 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
this FaceApp is creepy af
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didnât look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out