I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
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Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.