[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
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Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.