The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
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[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in