Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
You Might Also Like
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Guys, I found it.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
me and who
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”