I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
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My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
“what that mouth do?” complain
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.