Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
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Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.