A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
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When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
True.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Me irl
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby