PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
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me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
The two types of wives
real
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks