“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
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THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain鈥檛 even know what the shit meant
Where do rainbows go when they鈥檙e bad?
Prism. It鈥檚 a light sentence
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven鈥檛 broken the news about 5 to her yet.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 馃檪
Me: oh God no
Too bad you can鈥檛 get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
there鈥檚 a fly on the ceiling that she can鈥檛 reach, so she is intimidating it鈥ith a dissonant chord
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.