Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
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3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.