Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
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Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.