It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
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My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
reviewed some movies recently
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.