12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
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Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Bootstraps
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR