I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy