Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
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Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”