Oh the world we live in…
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Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Best seat on the street 😍
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are