Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
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Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Not my job 😂
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy