The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
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imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
fourth time’s the charm
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.