*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
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Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Jurassic park gets weird
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I gave up going to work for lent.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol