Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
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Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Blew out my flip flop…
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus