Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
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Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Cool shirt 🙂
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.