Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
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Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable