If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
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If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Autocorrect is my menesis
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”