pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
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i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.